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Now What - My first few days...

The day I was let go was interesting. I am describing this in hindsight as I had not decided to create a blog at that time. I remember it being a bit of a blur, but there was a moment ... a moment of "hmmmm, interesting...". This moment was brief before the emotions of the situation kicked in. Interesting because I had been feeling like there was a reinvention coming. I have "reinvented" myself several times over my life and its always been fun and unexpected.

There were several things I loved about my work and several things I did not. The things I loved included collaboration, creativity laughing, teamwork, love, heart connections with people living with dementia, being playful and silly, coming up with creative solutions, brainstorming with co-workers. The things I did not like further helped me to solidify how important it is for me to be able to freely create. Freedom, creativity, joy, collaboration, innovation, ease, freedom to try new ideas and learn and grow and more. I am always grateful to clarify what I want. I also know that this happened now because I must be ready for it at some level.

Having said all that, I was angry and immediately texted 2 teams of people at work. Some immediately responded and others never responded. This was further information. In the first few days, I wanted people to be upset and I wanted to know what staff was told. I also spent a lot of time wrestling with my feelings about the residents and families. I was sad I would not be able to holds theirs hands, dance and sing with them, laugh with them and cry with them anymore. I was said I would not be there to hold the hands of my friends as they transition into the next world. I was sad I would not be able to hold family members when they need it most. I did not want people to think I did not care or that I am the type of person to leave without saying goodbye. I was torn between completely closing the chapter and never contacting anyone from that world and wanting so deeply to hold the hands of the residents I loved so much one more time, give them hugs and share my favorite moments with families and tell them how much I love each and everyone of them. I decided to sit with things for a while. This was NOT the time to take any actions!

Within a few days, I experienced a wide range of feelings - knowing, gratitude, anger, freedom, frustration, excitement at the infinite opportunities awaiting me. I also realized I did not have any control over what people thought - good, bad, or indifferent. Even if I could say something to residents and families, what would that do? How would that change anything? I wanted them to think I was a good person. Well, I know I am a good and loving person and do not have control over others. So, I decided to let it go. I did forward a few specific messages through co-workers...words of praise and acknowledgement.

I new I would need to establish some routine and structure for myself, so I reached out to friends to make dates for walks, hikes, kayaking and socializing. I became more disciplined in my morning meditation practice. I allowed myself room to breathe and to do whatever I felt like doing. Sometimes I ate and watched TV, sometimes I went for long walks and paddles in nature and sometimes I walked around in circles not knowing which way to go.

Friends were very supportive and shocked. I quickly became tired of talking about it and talking about the things, events and people who frustrated me. It was time to focus on something else. I did not worry about money and felt supported and guided. I knew I was on a path to my next reinvention and that was good!

#angry #letting go #followingmy heart #makingitallok

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