Disappointed but still hopeful
8/14: Today is Friday and I am hoping to hear about my adoption of Jack. I wanted to reach out to the Foster Mom, K, but don't want to "stalk" her. I sat to do my morning meditation, but I was too squirmy. I attempted a shamanic journey and just popped myself back into ordinary reality - my living room. I had nervous energy in my stomach. The kind where I know something is coming, though I am not sure if it's good or bad. What the heck, I'll reach out and ask K is she and Jack wanna go for a walk later. She responds with the news... I did not get Jack (though I have not heard anything officially from the Rescue organization yet). I am sad. She is filled with kind words and "everything happens for a reason" and "there are so many sweet pups in need". Very sad. I don't like this part. I get it. This family had a special needs child and wanted Jack to be a therapy dog for her. If this is his path, he will do it well.
( I am scared to write what I was feeling for fear of creating something - I have LOTS of voices going through my head in this moment - be vulnerable, share your feelings, don't linger - focus on the good...) I was afraid I had screwed it up when I was with K and Jack the other day. I loved Jack and wanted him but felt that I was saying goodbye when I left. As I write this the morning after, I am feeling that I cannot hold on to anything too tightly. I must let go and trust. Not always so easy or fun...) (Note: I am aware a woodpecker is pecking my tree in front on me now) (sign?)
But I was so excited and literally dancing in my car... I was already so excited about outfitting my kayak to carry Jack and provide a PVC/fabric sun shade so he doesn't get too hot. I knew he'd be the talk of the lake! I was also almost ecstatic about the idea of a therapy dog to support others - hospice? children's hospital? elderly? I could see it and feel it. I hadn't connected with these feelings in many years and it felt great, right and true! How can this not be happening?!? I know I had these feelings and they were real. I know it! I have to trust this, I have to! I have to trust that this will manifest at some point. Trust!
I was so excited and could see me surprising friends with Jack. I could feel him tugging on the leash as he tries to run up to greet and kiss my friends. I wanted to surprise friends/former co-workers and show them that I was doing well and had love and joy in my life post job loss. At some level, I wanted them to talk about me and Jack at work so people would know I was thriving and to say, "screw you" a little bit. ( that doesn't feel too great, writing this).
Now I have to tell people I did not get Jack. Would have been easier if I hadn't told anyone in the first place, but it's ok. I was soooo excited about having a puppy. Taking him to school, training him, training him to be a "Good Citizen", bonding... It felt good to be so excited. He's coming....For now, my friends are very supportive and excited that I am ready for my next adventure with a furry companion! I feel supported...and disappointed...and hopeful.